I will stare this one down.

I wonder if regular readers EVER know what I'm talking about. Such is my insecurity you see, the partiality to um. Obscurity? Haha I really didn't mean to rhyme there. There's just no other word for it..

Have you ever had to make the decision, this pertains to getting into a "relationship" forlackofabetterword, between an indulgent reap-the-benefits-only-lead-your-own-life kind of thing and the we-shall-be-each-other's-life-support kind of arrangement? No? Never? I'm being superficial? Haha you can't say the former isn't a relationship even though you think its selfish and shallow and meaningless. I mean, if it works for 2 people, who are you to judge? No, I'm not facing that decision now. Hell, my life is planned in such detail that there's really no room for frivolous choice-making. At least, right now it is.. Hmm but worth thinking about nonetheless :) both sides have got their own pros I guess. All depends on your value system, and what's more important to you. Or what does it for you.

I had a vivid dream last night.

complex numbers

If you awaken to a song that resounds in your head and haunts you the whole day, you know for sure something's up..

"A girl needs somebody sensitive but tough
Somebody better when the going gets rough
Every night, he'll be givin' his love, to just one girl
Somebody cool, somebody tender too
Somebody baby just like you
Can keep me hangin' around
You're the one who always knew."

I'm thinking, maybe its a good idea to repost snippets of my favourite bits when I one day possibly comb through my archives. I love how words and memories and emotions match up.. The connecting of dots. Oh I was clearing old files on my ancient computer just now and I came across old conversations I had with kenneth. Y'know, the art-fart, always-lost-in-transition, one. Just gives me goosebumps thinking of how long ago that was, and I don't just mean in terms of time. I wonder how he is now. People are whimsical things huh :)

It's sunday! I can't help but feel annoyed at the repetitiveness of it all.. I lost my train of thought again. Sigh.

Someday we'll know.

Don't nothing.

Looking at photos from the past really makes me go into a state of static reminiscence. I even have one of xing jie and I on my desk. We look so happy. Haha he does look pretty angelic, if you thought that wasn't possible.. Memories that these visuals trigger, stir from their deep slumber and take pleasure in slowly dancing in and out of my consciousness. They are happy to be awake and alive. Sometimes it comes as a painful blow if the memory triggered is one of loss and hurting. But lessons aren't meant to sit well with you, that's how you remember them.

Last night was pretty dark and twisty, it shames me to admit. But sa saw me through it, and once again, I've compartmentalized, flushed out what shouldn't be there, auto-focused on the important things, and it doesn't matter whether I have another relapse of an episode like this or not. Cause it's only human. And I've got you by my side to give me hope (which I think is more pertinent than strength in this case, for some reason) when things threaten to recede into bleakness. Can I say, I'm better-off now? I probably can, and should :)

Okay back to the books, I go!

There's something bout the night
And the way it hides
All the things I like.

This isn't happening.

Oh god I feel so nauseous.
Someone help me snap out of this please.

I've already done the two girlfriend thing.

Haha damn that line was so good.

Okay fine, I was watching gossip girl again. Can't a girl have a break. But I stopped when poppy was about to bust gabriel's ass at serena's house cause I hate depressing parts.

Today during physics tuition...

"By the conservation of randomness..."

Haha priceless, I was so alert it was like I was high on crack, I think Hong Chew wanted to be anywhere but next to me.

Today marked the beginning of an end. Next monday on will be study break all the way. Oh don't get me wrong, I don't mean 'end' in a destructive, apocalyptic sense, but more of a closure, finality, like a wrapping up of my time at VJC. It has been, interesting, these 2 years. Rewarding during the good parts, and extremely educational in the not so good parts. And I'm not just talkin' school. Whatever shouldn't-have-beens, well, I'll learn. That's all we can do anyway. Take it, remember it, use it. Any experience gives you another layer, another arm against the world's tides, another badge, another story to tell.

Check out the video of Ben Harper's Steal My Kisses in my previous post :) I love it. That guy's genius. I wanna get his album! Also check out "Keep It Together" by his new band Relentless7. Real nice ;) They do these cool interludes in the middle of their songs like led zep does.

I'm not sure what worries me more
The fact that I'm talking to a wall
Or that the wall keeps answering me

I always have to steal my kisses from you.

Red, red wine.

Hey good people of the blogosphere. Today has been another Good Day. Give thanks! Haha I spent the day smiley and optimistic. Bright and shiny :) Y'know, days like these just strike me. Just like how Bad Days invade whenever they please, same thing.

Please.
Please me like you want to!

No kidding. If everybody just stuck to that rule of thumb, gosh we'd rid the world of fake smileys and shyness. It's not an expression to be taken literally, per se. But think about the implication of it's meaning. In essence, just act like how you truly mean to. Don't slink behind a veil of pretense. Humans don't have a good track record of guessing acurately so DO THE WORLD A FAVOUR.

Get real.

If this was a Bad Day, I'd be totally feeling this next "lick". But it's not, so I'll just put it up cause it flashed across my conciousness for about one eigth of a second.

"Or was I just a habit,
Cause I know a habit is a hard thing to break."

Hmm oh well. Revel in the beauty of it all, good people! Each moment is a gift, even if you're hurting. Cause you feel, you breathe, you know, you're alive.

In high seas or in low seas,
I'm gonna be your friend,
He said, "I'm gonna be your friend."
And, baby, in high tide or low tide,
I'll be by your side,
I'll be by your side.

Better out than in, I always say ;)

"Oh you're leaving so soon?"

I wish I could stay longer, darl.

I know what makes me type. Emotional turmoil. Haha I'm serious, don't look at me with that disbelief upon your face. Whenever I feel particularly unsettled about something, I'm here alot more. Like a weird kind of outlet for all the pent up teenage juvenile frustrations that rob me of the ability to function like a normal clear-headed person that I usually am. I'm really quite sane most of the time. I'm pretty alright, honest to god. Like I don't do unexplainable screwed-up shit that ruins other people's lives just cause I've a personal vendetta or just cause I can't get over myself and my issues.

Even though I do have issues.

Oh yeah. Loads of issues.

So this inevitably brings us to the crux. Why am I here this time? Y'know, I'm gonna be asking myself that question everytime I hit "new post" now for a really long time. I wonder if I have brought upon myself a lifetime of introspection. OH how will I ever sleep again! Haha. ANYWAY, I'm here this time cause, well. I was plagued by doubt and newfound distrust. Which if you ask me, really sucks. But could I have avoided it? Perhaps. Although I rather tell myself not.

In the end, some mistakes I have to make myself.
That's all you'll ever be though,
a mistake.(I wish I wouldn't be this faithless.)

KIA (KILLED IN ACTION)

On the bright side of things, (oho yes there IS one! Even if my heart is screaming NO! DON'T LISTEN TO HER! Well you better shutup and listen to me, if I say there is, there is.) I'm enjoying my room so much more now, ever since I switched the furniture around. It's like, I can breathe! Yeah so much better now :) I got a good arrangement going on.

Thank you if you've been checking up on me, asking my how was my day, even if I don't seem like I appreciate it. Well to all the "you"s this could possibly be referring to anyways. Friends are such beautiful things. I only wish my life wouldn't stop distracting me with other shit, like exams (YUCK), so I can be thankful properly.

OFF TO STUDY NOW!

the other night, when we talked about running away

Ah I was so happy :) Haha we indulged in escapism just for a little while together, and it was nice.

Mr L is being such a doll. And he probably doesn't realise this but his words are really powerful. They gave me renewed sense of belief in myself! Woohoo.

I'm a rockstar.

And I'm gonna get my AACC.

Baby when it's love, if it ain't rough, it isn't fun.

I'm not in school today cause my voice is still 3 octaves lower than normal and the meds are making me woozy.

I must say, the whole fengshui thing is really working out for me.. I can feel the qi flowing freely now. Haha although I think my getting hooked onto True Blood is ominous, and could spell trouble in the near future.

The danger of loving him more than he loves you

OH AND

Voice is gone.
Can't sing.
Maybe I'll never get it back.

You know I'd fight for you.

Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all.

The Fear of Thinking

This has been long overdue. My illness, my YESbubble-bursting, my anxiety. Oh I thought I'd hit rock bottom? Not quite. I think I mapped out this self-destruct path really long ago. (I hope that hurts! Hmph)

I'm so scared.

Is this normal? Or is this cause I'm delusional from meds? Haha.

I'm talking serious racing thoughts that quicken your heartbeat, insane emotions pulsing, crawling over your skin. Left and right and back and forth and oh which way is it going now! I feel vulnerable to anything. Anything.

But keep smiling and keep love in your hands :) Cause it's easier to spread it round that way.

So impossible as it may seem
You got to fight for every dream
Cause who's to know,
which one you let go,
would have made you complete?

Come watch me fly without wings
One day I'll do it.

See, the difference between her and I...

Every night I go,
Every night I go sneaking out the door.
I lie a little more,
Baby I'm helpless.

What would my Mama do ,if she knew bout me and you?
What would my Daddy say, if he saw me hurt this way?

I'm looking in the mirror,
And I think I'm liking what I see.
Haha OK back to my point. Mmm difference is, it's cute and cruel that way. I mean, cmon when will you see! You're the young monk that can't put the young lady down, even after you've left the river bank so long ago! I am the senior monk. Haha I am wise. And farsighted. Maybe when I'm old and jaded I will look back and think I'm being arrogant right now. But hey, so far so good.

You're thinking to yourself, "She's gotta love nobody."
Damn straight, mister ;)

WOOH
A good beat never hurt no one!
All the boys and the girls
they got it going on!

Renounce all worldy pleasures, y'all :D

You know that I could use somebody

Off in the night while you live it up
I'm off to sleep.

Shock and horror. BUT I WILL SURVIVE.

In a degree I never knew to be possible.

I'm home early cause I've this kickass fever that's making my eyes burn and my brain hurt. (Hey, same symptoms from reading those words)

Y'know all I can conclude about this is, the world is a fucked up place. More ugly than beautiful. Half-empty rather than half-full. It's gonna haunt me for a really long time, I think.

"sigh, the things you swore you meant."

Sometimes it takes a tragedy to jolt you out of your reverie.
This definitely counts as a tragedy.

Eh first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Haha

Never really thought about it til now.

I get it. I finally do. And the thing is, I'm completely okay.. I feel slightly foolish, but that's fine too. We live and we learn! Haha last night's antics, brought forward til today, well I still see the reasons in my actions. Just that I've reached a new depth in understanding of your shortcomings.. I'm just glad I arrested the problem in time. In doesn't matter what I had to sacrifice to get to where I am. Bright added me on facebook, the little gay boy. Okay fine he's not gay, and he's definitely not little. I'm going for a run right after I get out of bed. Hopefully its a worthy one today. Worthy runs are the runs that leave you feeling spent at the end, physically and emotionally. A good kind of hurt. I've got a mosquito bite on my shoulder.

I was wondering. What does it feel like to ignore all of society's propriety scaffolding? I'm not talking about one foot out of line here. No, more of hurtling myself out of the boundaries, hoping and praying you'd catch me if I fell. Would it be liberating? Or would it be a mistake I'd have to pay for in due time.. I don't know. I wanna go there with you.

Haha SHIT! I'm back here again &@#!*

Okay omg hahahaha I feel so damn laugh-y right now. I know I should be sleeping but OH MY GOD! Haha I'm so high, it's wrong.

I NEED TO STOP BLOGGING! AHH! :)

Therese sits in her little pocket of time.

Probably no one knows me better than my little black organiser (see picture 2 bottom right corner).

Some kind of wonderful

Blogging In Bed again.. (BIB) yeah I'm still lazing around under the covers at this hour cause I only slept at about 4 am.. I got home last night at about 3ish in a shared cab. I caught The Crucible yesterday and it was surprisingly okay. After the play 3 of us did supper at Robertson Walk.. Some place called sketchers I think. Young punk left to meet his friends at serangoon gardens so boonie and I sat around with her castmates. We "sat around" for a good 3 hours or so.. Haha but yeah theatre people are very easy to get along with. After dunno how many drinks we left in a cab.

"Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you? Been here all the time so why can't you see, you belong with me?"

Singing me country songs aren't gonna earn you points, and you know that. Can't you see how easy it was for me? I'm not who you think I am, so stay away. If anything you shouldn't see this as an opportunity. You should take it as a warning. Escape while you can! (Haha okay melodramatic.)

After a whole night of verbal sparring with STRAIGHT actors, I think I deserve to sleep in.

AND I AM TELLING YOU

dear Damian,

Haha This is queer we're communicating via blogs. It's good you've decided not to wait. It's good you've sorted out all your issues.. (I know us not working isn't your biggest one..) And it's good you seem genuinely happy.
--------------------------------------------
God, I feel so.. SO ANGRY! But it's so invigorating!

Oh it makes me SO MAD!

And I haven't felt this way before.
Why is that?
Haha STOP CALLING ME.

There's nothing here you want, promise.

You're still a STRANGER to me!

FUDGE

Really didn't mean to make you the Bad Guy.

Hmm let's see. What eventful thing happened today? Maybe school.

Yeah there was school.

Oh and went for a run too.

And.. Uh.

...

I studied some :) I be mug monster. Affectionately Known As mugster.

I didn't come here to hurt you
Now I can't stop
And I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone.

HEY SPORE IDOL IS ON.

The Young and Juvenile

numbers sunshine letters
songs paperclips words
lyrics secrets crayons
kisses hands memories
streetlamps notebooks windows
alphabets tunes chocolates
holidays diaries blankets
nudges stars catch-phrases

Oh it's okay
You're okay :)

So today I spent my time battling Zach and Hans on taptap revenge. But don't get me wrong. Delinquent mugger is still a very real aspiration.

OH YOU HOT.

So. What Now?

Oh I know, study.

One of those girls who do themselves right. One of those girls with focus, and direction.

I'm so over it.

should have arrested this before I got in over my head and besides,
the world is my oyster.

I don't know if it's my new wide screen or something, but damn girl... Haha I'm not even gonna say it.

Sunday: I brought Ryan to catch the fireworks at Marina and D came along, to y'know, help part the crowds, that sorta thing. Haha anyway it was cool. Pretty fireworks make you feel really small :) Ryan filmed the whole thing. Which is kind of giving me a headache now cause he's probably gonna show the parents the footage.

Oh at about 3am, I walked over to Boon Yew's place for an illegal swim. Completely spontaneous. I just had an insane urge to feel wet and cold. So yeah, that's exactly what I did. It was invigorating. Nothing like the biting night air to help you feel alive. It's a pity that parts of my life like these don't get documented and simply get washed away with time. Soon enough my memory of swimming under the moon in the thick silence will dull, and the visual or staring up into nothingness will be foggy. But it's okay, I guess I can always make new memories.

Boon Yew and I had some half-profound conversation about glass half-full or half-empty. My conclusion is that. We're alright.

Today I spent my WHOLE day with Ryan :)

And we had so much fun! Caught UP together and had Sushi Tei for dinner :D Pure decadence.

Hey everybody, wanna see something embarrassing? Haha

Rock and roll is still my favourite song to do. EVEN THOUGH ASHER IS A DICKHEAD AND MISSED THE CUT AT 2.12 hence resulting in my silly punch-the-air-for-no-reason move. Haha the camera chose a good time to zoom in on my spastic face. Epic fail. Haha but other than that, my god, good times.

overwhelmed by the urge to copy and paste!

What did you do this time?
Seriously, dude.

Oh and I made an observation about repeating letters in our words. Y'know like when we're trying to stresssss our point in informal writing like blogging. Yeah my observation is that its silly and redundant.

Okay I'm going back to bed.

Heavy fast footsteps overhead.

text message from Alyssa:
Get your ass out of your house and look at the moon. It's beautiful tonight.

Freak.
You know you've hit rock bottom when Sa tells you to "get your ass out" and "look at the moon". No offense, sa. (Oh btw I added Alexi on facebook and said Hi. You don't have to say it, I know I'm a weirdo.)

What is the world coming to.. An online conversation with HANS was actually therapeutic.

It kills me but I don't say it
I just watch you log off.

Shit. I just watched episode 17 of Gossip Girl.

Serena: We keep trying to act like we can overcome anything.
Dan: It's over, isn't it.
Serena: Well we had to try.
Dan: Yeah.

Overvoice: Sometimes the only thing left to do, is wrap your arms around each other, and let go.


OH SAVE ME FROM MYSELF.

Shit. Today I was listening to "Everything I Ask For" by The Maine.

I am going to keel over and die from cramps. Oh and E for geog :( :(

Me sad.

Another text message
heading to Drafts
with your name on it.
I've been completely inappropriate.

John Lennon and Yoko Ono

Look, self-righteous, obviously you wouldn't understand something BEYOND YOU.

Baby tested negative.

HAHA no, really.

Anywayyyyy. I'm not going to school on Friday. Therefore it must be a good day. Hence it's something worth looking forward to :)

This weekend the folks won't be home so Ryan and I shall turn the house upside down. We might even go out and do something naughty. Maybe the grandma is coming over to make sure we don't set anything on fire.

speaking of which

YOU'VE GOT TO SET YOURSELF ON FIRE FOR IT

That's what I've been telling myself over. And over. And over. Til I truly understand the depth and implications of that statement. There is no halfway effort, no maybe and no I'll try. You run at full speed no matter how much your lungs want to give out. You burn. You fire like a mad blaze. You heat, you flame. You leap off the cliff like it's the only thing you live for! When you hit the water and the cold wooshes up your sides and the sounds plunge into your ears, you'll know it was all worth it.

I'm setting myself on fire for it.

Footloose!

"We had something so intense so lovely so addictive

I can quit smoking but I ain't never gonna quit on us
This addiction is my prerogative and I've got the right to want you"

Oh words, words.
Which word am I looking for?

I'm joining J1 training in a bit. Nice.

The Scintillation Detector
If you're wondering where that phrase came from, physics tutorial. I just think it sounds really cool. Everyone should get one and install it in their brains.

I'm intense. And I have random shiny happy fits of rage.
You want more fans
I want more stage :)

What is it like to completely believe in something?

Oh no, you're twisting your words to feel better about yourself. Lady, reign yourself in, you slip further and further down the ladder.

In that instant I knew what I was missing out on. Blind faith. Flying with your eyes closed and your hands on your heart.

"You set hopes oh so very high. You change your mind and look where we are now. You at home thinking about all this and me stepping out of class for air. Never babe, never compare us to her. We are unique. Different. MUCH more beautifull I can safely say."

Its strange but your comment in my previous post doesn't confuse me like I thought it would. I can't have both, studies and you, and this is just the price I pay for indulging in those moments.

Okay I'm off to reply a lengthy email.

Love and peace always.

often what kills you is the simplest thing.

I fell short & disappointed.
still I wish it wasn't so painfully clear that
It was time and feelings wasted.

You're worth much more than an occasional I love you, I'm thinking of you.

"and I don't wanna come between you and your man
even though I know I treat you better than he can"

WE HAVE A NEW DESKTOP!!!!! IT'S SO FAST, IT RESPONDS EVEN BEFORE I CLICK. OMGOSH FREAK OUTTTTTTTTT :D :D :D :D :D

today i met jb at loyang pt to return him his harddrive. he was late, AS USUAL. and we had macs breakfast, and swapped songs. then i met D in town.

:)

oh i saw a huge ass ad in the papers for royce chocolates today. I WANTTTTTTT. there's a new branch at Ion, it seems. Yay chocolate enthusiasts, put on those shoes, we're going hunting!


powerful

She had the body of a venus, Lord imagine my surprise!

In homes, a haunted apparatus sleeps,
that snores when you pick it up.

If the ghost cries, they carry it
to their lips and soothe it to sleep

with sounds. And yet, they wake it up
deliberately, by tickling with a finger.

Model T is a room with the lock inside-
a key is turned to free the world

But time is tied to the wrist
or kept in a box, ticking with impatience.

No one is exempt
and everyone's pain has a different smell.

and my favourite line...

Mist is when the sky is tired of flight
and rests its soft machine on ground.


Isn't that beautiful? I wish I took lit! :)

Anyway, I just got off the phone with Jerome. Gosh we are queer. We have really queer conversations. Haha but I guess it don't change anything even though your name has been promoted to blog-able status. We're still stranger-friends til we meet TWICE. Okay tmr early meeting at Macs with JB. I better be off to bed now!

Cause when I'm with him, I'm..

Alyssa is over now. She's doing work and I'm not. Ah life's little ironies.

I just read something. But anyways, what hurts the most, is being so close, afterall.

This morning while I was still in bed, awake, but contemplating the universe and the ugliness of life, my phone buzzed and the last person I expected to call, well, called.

Collin. He needed some help with math.

T: The first time you're calling me and it's to talk about math. That's real cute.
C: Don't say that word, it's not cool.
T: I'm glad you know.