Ship out.

My future home has to have clothes pegs like these.
And my room's gotta be as awesome as this.

Also I would like a huge-ass shelve for my books and cds collection. Which will be extensive and insane. That, by default comes with a state of the art sound system. I don't really need a big closet but an organized shoe-rack would be lovely. I'm not much of a cook so a decent kitchen is fine. I want many many sun-lit rooms (see 2nd picture), and an open concept bath for my bedroom.

I dunno, just planning ahead.

:)

It has been an amazing four days.

But now I'm majorly stressing out :(

It has been an amazing four days.

But now I'm majorly stressing out :(

you got this look I can't describe
you make me feel like I'm alive

Leave your bags outside the door.

What is the appropriate reaction, when you find out you're falling in love with something?

You got those eyes, those eyes.

"I know we've been friends for awhile now, but I feel like I can confess to you. It's gonna be hard but, oh here goes. What I'm trying to say is, I wanna be the last one that you call late at night, I wanna be the first one that you dial when you open your eyes. Wanna be the one you run to, wanna be the one that ain't gonna hurt you. Wanna be the man making your girls jealous, be the guy sittin down all the fellas. Whatever you need, girl it's on me. Your soldier, your friend, or your lover."

Whatever you need, girl it's on me.

Okay I was gonna come home and do this long angsty post about being alone and being fed up, but then JB came over and all that's gone now. I haven't spoken to him in 2 days just let me be sappy please.

Voice like warm liquid chocolate.

Because I need voices other than my own to fill my head, I tell. And wait for answers. Even if they don't make sense to me, even if they're shit wrong, your words are like beads of certainty, and I cling. Your breath is like strength, your company like hope.

Because I need to surround myself with activity, I mingle. And smile so you'll laugh. The sounds you make can upright the slipping.

Dear friend, this is how you save me from myself.

I miss the most obvious things sometimes.

This, might make me feel better.

Knock you down - Andrew Garcia and Lydia Paek

Then your window blacks out into a mirror.

Spent my time feeling fucked about uni, fucked about scholarship essays, fucked about how I'm always cheating myself out of the route less taken. And y'know, questioning my ability to prioritize. Familiar fears? Spent my time feeling like if I said one more word, I'd throw up from the panic. If I paused for too long to think, my skin would crawl and heart rate escalate. Spent my time psychologically battering my self-respect, who'd have patience for someone who loafs and waits for the sky to fall? Who'd have patience for someone who makes nothing out of what she was given, and mind you, not deservedly either. Spent my time missing the boyfriend, which inevitably tied back to my worrying state of distraction (aka lack of focus), and that manifested into a withdrawal from any sort of interaction with him. See how that, straight away, is a mini vicious cycle? Spent my time feeling nauseous, feeling heavy, feeling too much.

All in all, I would have to say, it's been a rather dismal day.

So now I'm crashin', don't know how it happened, but I know it feels so damn good. Said if I could, go back and make it happen faster, don't you know I would, baby, if I could.

Mmm whatcha say?

When I become a star, we'll be living so large, I'll do anything for you.

Been staring at this screen forever.

What was I contemplating before? Greatness?

What are you afraid of?

Inadequacy, mediocrity.

I'm just shit scared that I'm not, and never will be, doing myself justice.

We are all meant to be greater than this.

I may not be the biggest dog-lover

BUT HOW CAN YOU SAY NO TO THIS! OMG WHEN I GROW UP I'MMA GET ME ONE.

Loud music has a numbing effect. And I want to leave today behind. Just sleep.

Sleep a deep sleep.

Secret Staircases.

Today at lunch, Ash asked me if I did anything exciting over the weekend. I smiled, and recounted the recountable. "Nah I didn't do anything you'd call exciting. Not at all." I said.

If only she knew :)

I just ate up all the cookies in the cookie jar.

Not worth my time #12

I appreciate people who care about me
people who want to offer advice
to protect me, to help me.

But not everyone has good intentions,
and your negativity, is groundless
I see through your self-righteous opinions.

Weight of the world.

Panic.

I think I'm losing focus, and missing the point. Because you fill my head with distracting thoughts, you control my emotions, you distort my reality. Is happiness a good enough excuse to shut out any other option? Or am I in too deep, with a blindfold on and your hand on my heart?

Extraodinary results don't maketh an extraordinary person.

So what is it? Here I go on my quest for validation once more.

Get you one, cause I got that one.

I've been working OT alot, so there you go, sparse-posting mystery solved.

Today is a small but big day.
Senses overload in a big way.

Dad keeps bugging me about Harvard and Warwick. What's a girl to do?

Tomorrow is a day for writing long flowing essays, that will move mountains, shape generations, so on and so forth.

What am I doing???? BED, YOUNG LADY. NOW.

So I think it's time to reward myself.

The beauty of earning my keep.

New wallet. Yes :) Sleek vs spacious, decisions decisions.

Right after I'm done applying for uni/scholarships. Sigh.

Shopping has to happen soon, or I'll lose the inspiration. Maybe shoes too?

Where The Lines Overlap - Paramore Live in Singapore 7 March 2010

I'VE GOT A FEELING (I'VE GOT A FEELING)

Right now, this mango tastes better than you.

The Only Exception - Paramore Live in Singapore 7 March 2010

i'm sure you missed me, wished i was there.

This. All the time.

Mr Sandman, bring me a dream.

I'm unbelieveably stupid. So shake my head twice, blink and smile. To stop myself from doing further damage. To summarise,

So, did sleep cure anything?

What is love? What does it do to you?

It's over, let it go, time for bed.

You can't tell me to feel.

Okay with everything that has happened, I should be really happy right now. (Paramore was just mind-blowingly good. Just no way to describe it.) But instead I'm worried. Cracks are starting to show. And I'm shrinking back behind my wall of distrust.

I wasn't kidding when I said I'm an 11. Though I'm rather good at pretending I'm only a 5.

I am not me anymore.

Watching season six episode fourteen made me realise, I've changed. I've given little parts of myself up along the way, given them to someone, and I'm hardly who I used to be. Is it because I choose to? Or am I doing it unknowingly? Because I don't know if I'm ready to compromise who I am for someone else. Why am I doing this? Is it love? Or stupidity?

D: so how do you feel about your results?
T: sublime.

(pause)

D: how can you feel sublime?
T: do you even know what sublime is?
D: sure. it's some kind of fruit.

(long look)

D: i'm just kidding, of course i know what sublime is.
T: hahaha sure, tell me what sublime is.

D: it's like... really sour.

Growing up? It hurts.

Basically, in short, very briefly.

I've had a very eventful past week. From family to boyfriend to school. Highs are high and lows are well, rock-bottom. I have it pretty good, somethings I don't deserve, and maybe explioted that luxury a little too much. Everything tipped over and exposed the wrongness of my lifestyle and certain choices I made in the past. JB has been my rock and strength through all the hours spent moping, regretting, tears of confusion. I've never needed anyone quite like I need him. Then yesterday was the release of A level results. It's true I probably didn't know how to express my happiness with everything that's been occupying my mind. I was just immensely relieved, and that relief channelled itself into a warped hope that things will slowly go back to normal. Or hope that my mum will be proud of me. Everything I went through last year, every tiny battle with myself, every mood be it despair or anger, every person I vouched to not let down, every person I promised to prove wrong. Nothing compares to my desperate hope that my parents will appreciate my struggles, and will stop feeling like I've let them down. I don't know what else I can do for them.

I feel like I've derailed in a way. I was always supposed to be the perfect daughter. From my easy-going nature as a toddler to my quiet obedience as a child, teenage-hood has brought me off that path so many times. I guess it's unrealistic to wish to be everything. I want to give them good grades, no worries, be a trustworthy source of happiness. But wrong choices just always get in the way. I want to be perfect in their eyes. That's all I ever wanted. But I don't think nor act the part. Straight As hardly solve anything.

Tomorrow is paramore's concert. I shall get lost in it.

Toe the line, just. Toe the line.

Okay just had to get that out of my system.

:)

I'm on the top of the world.

So I'm gonna shove it up your ass. Say/think/do what you want. But if you had any inkling of shame or decency (whichever's more pertinent), you'd feel deeply retarded for your past actions (or non-actions) and regret every single fucked up moment that you spent thinking otherwise.

In yo muthafuckin' face.

you don't tell me things either.


SHEESH.

Another cyber-blow for the road.

But this one's too close to home.

Lately, that's enough for me.

Sometimes I love you, more than you'll ever know.

I can take on anything.

Just not my parents.