But are you thinking of me too?

I just got back from a barbecue. And what a small world, I met Dian & Tofu there cause they were in the next pit holding some birthday thing too. I caught up with Dian and she told me all about her Idol experience. She said let's join together next season. Ha-ha. Anyway I smell like bbq food now and somehow 2 foldable plastic chairs managed to make their way home with me.

Don't ask.

Today in class Mr N mentioned 2012, Judgement Day, The End of the World as We Know It. I did a little research, and this is what I found. Basically it kinda all started with the Mesoamerican Long Count Calendar which resets every 13 baktuns (1 baktun is 144,000 days). Hence Dec 21 or 23 of 2012 reads 13.0.0.0.0 on the calendar. Some suggest that this date has apocalyptic implications, but others argue thats it's simply resetting, and doesn't imply doomsday in anyway.

Some theories on how the world will end include:

The Timewave Zero theory. Something that calculates "novelty" and states that in Dec 21 2012, the universe will be so interconnected that it reaches a singularity of infinite complexity, meaning everything imaginable will occur instantaneously. Like. I know, right..

The massive solar flare causing geomagnetic reversal causing polar shift causing weakening fields theory. But while NASA expects a particularly strong solar maximum some time in 2012, there's no proven link between that and polar reversals.

Niribu, a large planet, shall collide with Earth. Yay.

Also, some believe this ending of the cycle corresponds with a global "consciousness shift" rather than an apocalypse, suggesting that materialistic attitudes, rather than the material world, are in jeopardy. They call it the New Age. "When the 'heavens open' and cosmic energy is allowed to flow throughout our tiny Planet, will we be raised to a higher level by the vibrations".

So. Whadya think?

Cool or what huh. I'm making a list of things to do in 2011 already. Just in case, y'know? Another notable thing that we perhaps ought to be more worried about is that on Dec 31st 2012, the Kyoto Protocol expires.. Hmm.

Disaster for thought, y'all.

close your eyes and make believe
this is where you wanna be
I'm forced into you just cause you're into me

you've never been so used, as I'm using you, abusing you, my little decoy
don't look so blue, you shoulda seen right through, i'm using you, my little decoy

Familiar suffocation, the onslaught of a revelation.

I've had too many of those lately. I hope it's a phase. Or a symptom of a lesser problem.

Can you say you know me?

I feel kinda trapped, especially when my thoughts drift to 2, 3 years down the road. I'm still that same girl I think. So shit scared of the future and being tied to anything. I really do mean anything, as much as it pains me to admit. Time is holding us slaves!

And can you say you understand my needs?

Sometimes it's a mistake to bite on your words. Sometimes the world would be a happier place if we just let it all hang out there y'know? I was strolling the hall by myself today, thinking of the same time last year, when I was a freshie and browsing the same booths. I had no clue where I was heading then. This year, my head is alot more organized I guess. I know what I want and what I'm looking for. Still as I walked, my hands came up defensively around myself and an apprehension I've come to make friends with paid me a visit.

Do you share my fears?

The KPMG session was o-kay, gave me more insight on the scholarship than anything else, but browsing through SMU's brochure now I wonder if maybe I'd like to look into something else. The world's one big fat I-Don't-Know huh? Dreams are strange things. They show you your greatest wants, they bring out your greatest fears. They materialize what your mind is occupied with.

I'm still that same girl.

I think I've made one round. One full circle. And the trip was worthwhile I guess. Nothing like another beentheredonethat you can throw around. It was one of the best journeys so far, but now it's time to bring this ship back into the shore. Only problem is, I can't. And when you have a time-ability mismatch like that, life gets very frustrating.

I'm drawing up marvelous post A levels plans in my mind :) Sandcastles in the air.

The Panic Attack

And everything else that went along with it.
Never thought I'd be that girl, nope.

Always delivering huh, post after post after post. Don't I run out of things to say?

I cannot believe Siwei just called me sunny. As in, the adjective.
SUNNY.

Wow.

Anyway August is down with H1N1, potentially. So let's all keep him in our prayers. Yeehaw.

Flower Child vs. Wild Child

Isn't it always amusing when someone says this is the LAST TIME, NO MORE, then ends up right back at square one again? Okay amusing when it doesn't directly have an impact on your personal comfort or wellness. Not so amusing if it does.

Then one by one, the stars would all go out.
Then you and I, would simply fly away.

I've been doing some thinking about missing out. Yeah as in, not-experiencing-something kinda missing out. Cause I have a tendency of becoming so fixated on one thing, like I slapped a pair of auto-focus glasses permanantly to my head, and sometimes it's easy to forget I still have them on. I always try to remind myself, bigger picture! Think of the bigger picture! But y'know, I still get the nagging feeling that I'm missing out. Or maybe that just stems from my dark desire to experience everything, feel everything, know everything. A desire I not only don't fulfil sufficiently (Hence the guilt manifests in the form of a fear of missing out.. Wait, is this my answer??), but also I like to downplay it.. Like it's something to be ashamed of. Isn't that a real pity? I mean if I could wear that desire proud and high, and actually actively seek to satisfy it, what I person I would be!

Maybe thinking about it is the first step?

Maybe laziness is the disease that will eventually wipe out mankind.

Haha okay no seriously, I'm thinking about this whole missing out deal cause recently I've been kinda caught up about this one thing. Worthy of my attention as it may be.. DANG, I GOTTA TAKE THOSE AUTO-FOCUS GIZMOS OFF!

Yes okay I'm awake now.

"If that's what it's about, then I'm sorely disappointed."

Study or Die

We've all heard that one before. Time to kick into high gear. This shall be my last slack weekend of the umm.. year.

Yeah.

Study Woes #86: Even not doing anything is more fun than hitting the books.
(idea spun-off from woeful nate's woeful woes)

Her bag is now much heavier
I wish that I could carry her
But this is our ungodly hour

(When one day I remember to re-read Black Swan Green, I shall put up a short extract here. Because words are sometimes so moving, you forgot who wrote them and why they were written. Sometimes words help us get past our differences. Just sometimes.)

Study Woes #3: I have enough notes to effectively cover every square inch of the floor of this household, with leftover to decorate the walls. You don't want to know how I know this.

I don't understand people who use fake smileys. Hypocrites.

Don't you step on my blue suede shoes!

this has been completely pointless.

You shook me all night long :)

It's a lazy sunday morning and I'm still in bed. I've only very recently discovered the wonders of wireless connection so I'm using my phone to do this now. I should really get up and get going though, there's breakfast waiting for me downstairs.

I've dredged through this over and over and over again.. I am incapable of making up my mind. I guess there's just no telling who will be chosen next. God doesn't play dice. And now that you've found out it's you, your pain is immeasurable. I can only begin to imagine what its like. But I have lived at the edge, I really have. Where I feel everything but suffer nothing. And it is not a pretty burden. I know the toll it takes, I know the sacrifices you'll find yourself making, I know the aching pain you'll learn to live with. It becomes you, not the other way around. But as always, I'm far away. Too far for either of us to reconcile, so I shall pray for you on the quiet.

It's you, and me, moving at the speed of light.

It's a long way down
So high off the ground.

There's no one else that matters, you love me.
And I won't let you fall.

Let's dance forever!

(I'm NOT searching wedding videos, this was entirely Wei Yao's fault. But anyhow, it's still beautiful.)

You think this is the only blog I keep?

"Why are you so full of angst? Live and let live, my child."

Well child is hardly appropriate here, I may still be one but you, my friend, definitely not a child anymore.

Isn't it strange how I'm so measured in the things I say. Where do I dump all the discarded thoughts that have to be screamed, not spoken?

I guess I'm no better than you, child.

Everyone is entitled to their moments of weakness. But you have been stuck in yours for way too long. Yes I am judging you. I think you're being stupid. But that's just my opinion, which you don't care for.

I guess I'm no better than you afterall.

(this is my least favourite font)

On to more normal things. Wait what am I talking about, hardly anything in my life is normal anymore. Even school's not really normal. It's just deathly boring. On the up side, last night was eventful, haha to say the least. I got kinda lost trying to get to ACSI for Daniel's guitar thingy. Didn't help that the bus driver gave me wrong directions. But anyways in the end I got there about an hour late (whoops) though the ushers were all really nice about it.. Mmm kev was there too with his friends. Oh guess who I met! Joel Tieh! Mr band manager! Haha still the same drama queen.. He was emcee for the night, looking real spiffy with his metallic purple tie. We swapped numbers cause we're both hopeless. And I caught up a little with Daniel. Who looks happy :) Felt queer to be back at acsi actually, would it be too simplistic to say, that's where it all started?

So after that D picked me up from the bus stop outside and we went for supper at Changi Village. What a heart attack, that was. The sprint home, I mean.

Haha this is weird but my computer is extremely responsive right now, I'm so not used to it..

Hokay I'm gonna go watch The Corporation now.

Some knowledge for the soul.

I'm so confused!

okay they're gone now

Do you know why I'm happy?

Self-awareness & self-management

It all begins with you.

You are why you're happy. You think it's because of something else, something external. But no, YOU are why you're happy. Trust me on this one ;)

So do you know why I'M happy? Cause I choose to be. And cause I can.. And cause I deserve to be. And cause I'm good at shrinking the bad stuff. If you need a mental visual for this one, imagine all the negativity in my life is a picture on an iPhone. With just two fingers, I shrink the sodding thing to a tiny dot. Still there, but it takes up way less space. Which leaves more space for happy! :) You can tell me my analogy is gay but hey, all you are is a picture on an iPhone to me.

Hmm so when life gets you down, and hello I know ALOT of people around me are feeling like crap right not, just know that the solution is at your fingertips.

It only works if you really believe in happy, shiny endings. It doesn't mean I can't still be dark and twisty. I can be a little dark and twisty. Just mostly happy and shiny. Does that make me a sell-out?

Woteva :)

Oh and and and you can keep trying to get to me with your double meanings, your little redundant nuggets of information, but remember.. You're only a picture on an iPhone.

If the right words existed, then the music wouldn't need to.

That, by far, is my favourite-est title I've put up since my thoughts first seeped into this blog. (!!!)

Anyone can be truthful about superficialities.

"Often I think boys don't become men. Boys just get papier-mached inside a man's mask. Sometimes you can tell the boy is still in there." -David Mitchell

Words, thoughts, ploughing. Pushed underwater then dragged to the surface to take a ragged gasp of oxygen, then plunged beneath the surface again. Splashing, gurgling, heartbeat in your ear. A sharp cold that arrests your mind, numbs your eyes. Splashing, gurgling, heartbeat in your ear.

I don't have to explain everything, do I? It gets tiring after awhile.

Excuse me, while I kiss the sky.

What's in a HEADACHE?

Oh no, econs essays being returned tomorrow. Hold my hand!

I am Indestructible!

Today was kind of miffing.. Although we did manage to finish a WHOLE tutorial in math tuition, a really rare occurence. I went to take a look see at the Uni Fair in suntec, but the place was pretty crowded and I didn't get much out of it. Anyway my mind's pretty made up about next year and stuff.. Just need to go round and talk to insiders, get some Inside Insight. I love how catchy that sounds. So what else. Hmm oh yes. As a finishing touch to my movie spree, I caught sunshine cleaning with Kevin! I liked the movie a lot. It was.. very pretty. In an unobvious way. And the little boy was so angelic. I loved the undercurrents of emotion through the whole show and Amy Adams (who yeah looks ALOT like Isla) has a great chemistry with Emily Blunt, whose face I still find strangely interesting.

So ends my streak. 5 movies in less than 2 weeks. But yknow.. Public Enemy still beckons.

And no one says no to Johnny Depp.

Entrenched
Estranged
Enamoured? Not so much, no.

Don't you know I sit around
With my head hanging down
And I wonder, who's lovin' you?

Sigh, yes again. I'm singing that to myself again. Did you know I can do ANYTHING, and I really mean anything, and get away with it? I am indestructible. Face the facts people. Therese is larger than life. She will knock you down and walk over you. Best part, she'll convince you you wanna be walked all over. I can do anything.

Absolutely anything.

Thick & Creamy Chocolate Milk

The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in.

I can't live, with or without you.
I dont' have any vices. No drug addiction, smoking habits, gambling addiction, sex addiction.. None of it. But who's to say what's in a vice? So, with or without, a case of the lesser evil? Or a case of the slower, less painful route to destruction? I'm not being morbid, but I guess it IS a tad dark and twisty. Haha anyway you gotta love that line.

With or without you,
With or without you.

No. Like really think about it. Haha stop glazing over my words.

STOP.
and think.

You know how there are certain songs you absolutely hate, but when it comes on, you just sing along? Like you can't help it? Yeah, it's annoying.

Certain songs you just absolutely hate.

CLINGY. Like cold dead clammy unrelenting never-let-you-go killer grip kinda clingy.

Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince

Nice. Loved it (I can already hear someone disagreeing just to be contrary). Good visuals, one of the best sets so far, and good pace, too. But I think one of the main reasons why it was so enjoyable is that I couldn't remember what happened in the book. Haha which sounds queer but hey, got more bang for my buck. So everyone's happy :) Well maybe just me.

Weehoo. I'm halfway through Black Swan Green, and although I really love love love the language and writing style, I find that I keep picking it up at the wrong times (like in lectures), which only makes me feel guilty afterwards, which then leads to me abstaining, ultimately ending up with me not remembering what last happened when I attempt to read it again a few days later. It's all very frustrating.

It's like something in me just clicked. I finally understand the trade-off. Nothing is foggy like a few months ago. The uncertainty has be replaced by an anxiety, and since we're on the topic of trade-offs, I'm not quite so sure it is The Better Emotion. Like how now all I can think about is doing The Right Thing. A rather exhausting notion, if you ask me. It eats away at you from the inside, cause y'know, it's a "me" thing. It's one of those "you gotta do it for yourself" kinda things. And if you screw up, LO AND BEHOLD (haha julius!), you've got no one to blame but You. Scary, huh? So I'm trying.. I'm trying really hard. A little bit every day, exploring my options, doing what I can.. I really need to speak to someone about this, and I mean someone who has a brain I can pick. A human touch to the process to keep one sane, that'd be nice. As we all go a little cuckoo in the head from studying, it doesn't really help to know that this is the time in our lives that will in all likelihood determine how Everything Else turns out. Like oh hey, no pressure. But it's not the end, it's not even the beginning of the end. It's only the end of the beginning.

Dang, this Pokka Premium Milk Tea thing is real tasty.

I'm gonna fix the world up

(I bet i'll get it wrong more times than I get it right)

Leaving home to catch Harry Potter soon :) I < 3 movies

I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
No it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
because pain was built to last.
Everybody sails alone,
oh but we can travel side by side
Even if you fail, you know that no one really minds.

"Wow she's snazzy."

Oh shit.

I keep telling myself

Two wrongs don't make a right

It really really don't.
And nothing is worth compromising your principles for.
All you have at the end of the day, is knowing you did your best.
Even when everything else has fallen, take refuge in living righteously.
Two wrongs don't make a right so don't let yourself be tempted into deceitful ways.
Two wrongs don't make a right so don't lose yourself in the fire of your anger.
Two wrongs don't make a right so don't ever, ever allow yourself one lapse of judgement.
Two wrongs don't make a right.

It really really don't.



School was normal. I got As for both physics and math. Brill.

konfusion, konclusion
haha klosure?

[edit] OKAY so i thought about it again. And well, HEY! Getting an A for physics after failing last term is something to shout about. So let loose! I deserve to indulge in SOME self-absorbed umm.. Pleasure? Triumph? Victory? hahaha. Whatever.

I got A for physics, world!

Who cares if the paper WAS kinda easy? Haha I'm proud o' meself.

(unborn twin is telling me- Take heed, sweetheart. SHE'S the screwed up one.)


(sniggers)

Victimized

I touched it, I was burnt.

This time we'll take it slow.

You've been hit by a smooth criminal

wouldn't it be nice, if we were older?
then we wouldn't have to wait so long
and wouldn't it be nice to live together
in the kind of world where we belong?

you know it seems the more we talk about it,
it only makes it worse to live without it,
but let's talk about it,
oh wouldn't it be nice?

Last Sunday I went on a biking expedition with D on Pulau Ubin.

In his blog he'll tell you about my extreme fear of heights and incapacity to control myself when it comes to cycling over puddles. BUT LET ME TELL YOU, they're lies! Haha hello we almost went the wrong way cause of him, if not for my superb inbuilt sixth sense for direction. Well yeah we traversed half of the island on our rented bikes that afternoon, we've got the sore asses to prove it. Bumpy trails and tiny saddles don't mix very well, apparently. Hmm the boat rides to and fro were nice and peaceful, like the little island (where stray dogs, tourists, a beautiful blue quarry, and haggling bike renters are the main attractions). And it was a good few hours after a hectic few nights of rushing work for CT2. That night we caught Obsessed (another one off my list! yeehaw) but it didn't live up to expectations. A kinda draggy start and a kinda predictable ending. But oh wells, a movie nonetheless.

(Today I attempted to study in school! Haha how Siwei talked me into it, I've no idea.. But yeah helped him with vectors a little bit and did some work on my own. It was, better than coming home to slack I guess.)

Did I mention our awesome cranberry ham sandwiches and the cold cold coconuts? ;) Haha and we took some pictures, an idea I'm getting the hang of. But yeah anyways, I'm thinking, where to next?

Outer space, perhaps :)

You've got the art of a non-secateur off pat.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! eighteen exclamation marks for you =D

Hehe I know what you're thinking.
But y'know. You go first.
And I'm not just being a tease.

=P

Here We Go Again

This is a killer.

Hahah you're gonna lurvve this one.
Well when I write about it eventually anyways.
I'll post about today, tomorrow :)

Round, round, get around. I get around.

you want to know what happened to me?

you.

you're what happened to me.

Don't go a searchin', less you can handle what ya gonna find. (wise wise words. read and memorise.)

YOU SHAKE MY NERVES AND YOU RATTLE MY BRAIN!
Too much love drives a man insane
You broke my will, oh what a thrill
Goodness gracious great balls of fire!

I watched duplicity with desmond today and mannnnn it was wayyyyy cool. Haha 4.49 popcorns for it! Okay so that's 2 movies off my to-watch list :D I'm dragging kev to watch sunshine cleaning with me no matter what. Oh geez there's still Obsessed. And Public Enemies. Hmm.

You know how you sometimes make all sorts of plans with someone. And it really feels like something both of you can't wait to do with each other. But it never materializes. Most times we let it slide.

Which is a shame.

Cause we'd look back and think to ourselves,
I should have fought harder.
I simply didn't try hard enough.

Haha I'd really love to know what's going through your head right now. Won't you tell me? :)


Can't I be due for a miracle too?

Let me tell you, she is awesome.

I am so so tired! Finally the pain of midyears is done. DONE.
Let me tell you, you are so blind to it!
So blind.
So within that splash of 40 odd minutes
Okay more of a tide.
The results were inconclusive.
Her name popped up first, of course.
But I'm not keeping count, I swear!
Let me tell you, today I caught Ice Age :)
(and that was really just out of courtesy; the beauty of punctuation, really.)
I had too much popcorn to eat.
Then I sat in a comfortable chair,
Buffered by comfortable company.
And let me tell you, 1800-dial-a-lover
A certain uncertainty, you'll forget, when it's over.


the end.

1, 2, 3, 4
tell me who you're rooting for

It's got her shame on it, she couldn't say it to my face.
Who's gonna pay for it?
If it's not you, I guess it's me.

How come I still can't open this letter?

Get your armour.

(at the crib with another lady!!)
I found something that piqued my interest. Okay fine it was more than that, it made me completely flip. Haha and I'm still kinda freaked out by it. But if I talk about it now, I would "startle the deer", for lack of a better analogy. So yes nevermind. I shall keep it in my head. Today's GP was decent. I managed half a page more than I usually churn out. Wait "churn" would be inaccurate because the process is usually much slower and more strained than "churn" makes it sound to be.

Why does she stay?
Even though I mess up the most.
I don't understand, I don't understand.

My, my, we are in trouble.

I should have done this so long ago.
But you know me, always procrastinating.

you get to call dibs on me

Isn't that the best part? :)

Backfired, didn't it?

We never learn.

Here I am sanding down my sharp edges, and all for what? I give you too much credit everytime. But, it's okay, life goes on. In a way, I do see the advantage of going round the sides, never surrendering the poison for your weapon. I'm careful and deliberate with these things, because its always wise to err on the side of caution. I realised that the disappointing way. But games are only thrilling while they last. Wouldn't you agree?

Knowledge is power, my friend.

Revising the past and studying the future. When will our ghosts sleep? Time takes everything away from us, in the end. You must know this.

Thursdays are the cruellest of days, did you know? It's like a raging war between my principles and my instincts! Oh the conflict. Friday, Saturday & Sunday pose a threat to my balanced, healthy mind. I might just drive myself crazy with what-ifs.

My neighbour has a new cat. I know because it's possibly the noisiest cat I've ever come across.