Hi, blog! It's been such a long time.

I'm usually here because, well, you know...

Damn, this is depressing.

I want you to take over control.

I'm on a self-destructive path.

I'm learning how to be less invested. Slowly caring less and less.

You are so far away, and it feels like you're never coming back. I messed this one up too.

Not a second has passed without you on my mind. Is this how things fall apart? Will we never speak to each other again? Have you decided that this drama is not worth the effort? Maybe you can find something else, someone else, an easier option. I don't know. I'm unreasonable beyond redemption. I have no lessons tomorrow so I need a plan to keep me from driving myself crazy with the questions.

Who listens? But the soft papers and hard walls.

I guess this is it. I've no patience nor morality.

wrong tactics, bad timing, poor communication, cracking under pressure

Just got off the phone with my mum and she won't tell me why she's going away.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

Things to do:
- apply for SEP
- email rello about change in dates
- email cihui about change in dates
- email JB about if he still wants to ref the floorball carnival
- figure out the fuck I'm gonna do about my 5th module
- upload pictures
- do SOMETHING about the usp bazaar
- buy textbooks
- eat first meal of the day
- learn how to be alone

Today, I did something I shouldn't have done. Now I'm regretful.

Dear blog,

Today is the start of a new busy semester. I have surmised that my mood last night was due to a combination of anxiety for the new term, stress from the amount of things I need to take care of, and just a deep genuine feeling of having my hopes of seeing JB, dashed. I said/typed some hurtful things I shouldn't have, maybe cause I wasn't thinking clearly, or maybe I was being ruled by my emotions. Whatever it was, I will learn to be more controlled and level-headed because people and relationships are fragile things. I still feel sad that I did not get to see him after 5 days of missing, hoping, and wishing. But life is never fair and I will learn to deal with disappointments in a mature way soon. As for him, I don't know where he is now, or what he is thinking. I don't think I'm ready to talk to him yet. I might burst into tears at my own foolishness. I think I would like this week alone so I can numb myself to these strong emotions. It is always dangerous, falling so hard for someone, you forget that you'll eventually hit the ground.

Love,
Therese

what an awful way to start the semester. i wish you didnt matter so much to me.

please stop texting me as if its my fault you cant sleep.

if i werent so disappointed that i didnt get to see you today, i might actually enjoy the first week of school by myself, with time and energy to do my own things. please don't come over tomorrow. or the day after. i dont care that its our anniversary. its just a fucking date. none of it matters when we cant learn to keep promises.

i dont know why i'm typing all these hateful things, i dont know if i mean them, or if the urge to cry is driving me out of control.

It is a really cold night tonight.

And that is whose fault?

I got you a seashell. But nevermind.

And because I washed your towel in prep for your arrival, I now have to fold it and put it in the cupboard feeling stupid the whole time.

I wish I was at home in my own bed so this won't feel half as bad.

I hate it when tonight turns into tomorrow lunch, which turns into tomorrow night. If you can't make it, DON'T FUCKING SAY YOU'RE GOING TO.

I guess everyone has a different idea of what it means to do what you say you will.

Goodnight. Sleeping alone.

Everything is fear. Fear of losing, fear of failing, fear of getting hurt, fear of making the wrong decisions, fear of being unloved.

All these risky intentions and crazy thoughts shall get the better of me someday.